[Best of 2017] NBA Superlatives

Biggest Choke: Nike Jerseys Tearing Mid-Game

I’ll admit, I’m partial to Adidas. So when the NBA chose Nike over Adidas to develop and distribute the league’s player uniforms for the next eight seasons, I got a twisted sort of satisfaction when, during the early weeks of this season, their jerseys started to fall apart mid-game. At least six instances of jerseys tearing like tissue paper popped up around the league, affecting some of the sport’s biggest stars. As the Golden State Warriors know all too well, it’s fun to watch the most dominant team take a few jabs to the chin. [Joshua Covell]

Funniest Trend: The Whole League Giving Lonzo Ball Hell

It’s not even really his fault! Unless you’re a huge Nas fan, your anger at Lonzo Ball is almost definitely directed at his father, LaVar. Still, I can’t help but get a kick out of opposing players showing up extra motivated because they wanted to embarrass him. Patrick Beverley shoving him at midcourt? Yes. Every player staring down LaVar after hitting big threes? More please. Lonzo photoshopping himself onto the Illmatic cover, only for Nas to get the last laugh by posting the Knicks logo on Instagram after the Lakers lost in the Garden? Shoot that directly into my veins. [Chris Harrison]

Player with the Best Twitter Highlights: LeBron James

I’m the resident NBA newcomer. So many of the names in this piece are familiar but not second nature to me yet. Most of my knowledge of these players come from Twitter and I’ve loved watching highlights from amazing players like Giannis, Harden, and Irving. But I did not suspect that the most well-known player in the world would be the one I enjoyed watching most. Every week this season, James shows a different skill of dominance. One week a disgusting block, the next an insane dunk, a behind the back assist to a teammate, or even a clutch three-pointer to seal the game. The moment I see LeBron’s name in my Twitter feed, I can’t click the video any faster. [Eddie Losoya]

Favorite Unicorn: Giannis Antetokounmpo

The last time I bought apparel in support of a player on a team other than the Celtics was in 1998. I was 14, and my love for Allen Iverson transcended team alliances. It happened again at the start of this season, and I couldn’t help but order some swag for my new favorite non-Celtic, Giannis Antetokounmpo, a very different kind of physical oddity. While Iverson did things that I had never seen a six-foot guard do on the basketball court, Giannis is doing things with his freakish length that I didn’t think were possible—like only needing one dribble to get from half court to the rim, among other head-scratching feats. He’s the premier unicorn in the league, ushering in new era of ultra-athletic, spaghetti-limbed big men. This year, he raised his game once again by adding some muscle onto his wiry frame and becoming one of the most dominant defenders in the league. If he ever develops a reliable three-point shot—if he even needs one—we might as well just shut down the league. [Joshua Covell]

Biggest Surprise: The Houston Rockets Took No Time to Mesh

One of the biggest questions coming into this season was how the Rockets could possibly get the notoriously fastidious and overbearing Chris Paul to integrate himself into a team run by the eccentric and free-spirited James Harden—and that’s not even considering the adjustments that would need to be made during the actual game. Well, at the time of this writing, the Rockets are undefeated in games Chris Paul has played in, they have the best record in basketball, their offense has blown the doors off of their opponents (they just went on a 31-2 run against Charlotte!), there’s an outside shot that CP3 and Harden might both average 10 assists a game this year, and their defense is in the top 5. Guess it was easier than we thought. [Chris Harrison]

Player Most Likely to Get Punched in the Face at Some Point This Season: Enes Kanter

Look, Enes Kanter is a excellent rebounder, an incredibly efficient offensive player, and an absolute wizard of low post footwork-ery. But if somebody’s getting punched in the face this season, it’s Kanter. Not only does he have a generally punchable face, but he’s gotten up in LeBron’s face and continued that beef for weeks on social media. He also asked a teammate to fight someone in a game against Portland because it “will get the energy up.” Combine all that with his reaction speed of a turtle on Ambien? Dude’s getting punched in the face this season. [Matt P]

Worst Revisionist History: Phil Jackson was a Good Executive?

Short answer: no, he wasn’t. But it turns out that he lucked into a few very good-to-great draft selections. Kristaps Porzingis, his first round pick in 2015, is turning out to be a franchise player and the current runner-up in the Unicorn Rankings behind Giannis. Frank Ntilikina (aka Frankie Nicotine aka Frankie Smokes), who Jackson selected in 2017, is already a hard-nosed lockdown defender. But those are two highlights in a resume filled with horrific decisions. Among them, Jackson hired Derek Fisher, who had just retired as a player and had never coached an NBA game in his life, to institute Jackson’s lauded “triangle offense,” a scheme that was already antiquated in 2004, let alone 2014. Add to that his involvement (or lack thereof) in the arrest of Knicks legend Charles Oakley and the organization’s insinuation that Oakley had a substance abuse problem, and Jackson’s unprofessional antagonistic relationship with the team’s former franchise player, Carmelo Anthony, and you’d have to do some incredible backflips to come to the conclusion that Jackson was anything other than a terrible, terrible executive. [Joshua Covell]

Favorite Political Statement: “U bum”

I can’t decide what was more fun: the tweet or the press conference that followed? “What did I say? I want to hear you say it,” LeBron asked with a mischievous grin. It wasn’t all fun and games though, as he spoke earnestly about his disappointment in the current president. LeBron has established himself as one of the most politically outspoken athletes of our era. He’s the antithesis of Michael Jordan’s “Republicans buy sneakers too,” and he’s continuing to stand up for what he believes in. [Chris Harrison]

Best Players I’ve never even heard of before: Paul Millsap & Nikola Jokic

So, I decided to look through various lists around the internet of the top players going into the 2017 season to better familiarize myself with the league. Amazingly, I knew most of the early names presented! It wasn’t until I got into the 20s that two names popped up I had never heard before, and somehow they played for the same team! Heretofore, I will explain everything I now know about these two supposed superstars. These two Denver Nuggets players appear to have both joined the team only recently. They are both very tall individuals and play Power Forward and Center, respectively. Their viewpoints on nuggets as a concept is unlisted on their wikipedia pages, so we can only assume that like any human, by default they are both pro-nug. One of them was born in Serbia, while the other was born in Louisiana (as to which one is which, your guess is as good as mine here). They both play for Denver. Oh wait, I said that already. Crap. Google also tells me that they both have had very recent injuries and one is currently not playing with their team (the Denver Nugs). RIP, Pauly & Niky. I literally barely knew thee. [Eddie Losoya]

Worst Coaching Move: Thibs Overworking His Starters

Having lived in Chicago for many years, I’m no stranger to the narrative of Thibs playing his starters too many minutes. From his time with the Bulls, he left in his wake a substantial list of players who played too hard for too many minutes and whose careers have been tragically cut short because of it: Luol Deng, Joakim Noah, and Derrick Rose being the most high-profile among them. And as a result, he got run out of town. Now he finds himself in Minnesota coaching the Timberwolves’ young squad, and he’s back to his old habits. This is from an overtime game against the Sixers just last week:

These days, coaches try to limit their starters to no more than 33 minutes per game, aiming closer to 30 minutes per if they have the bench to do it. This amount of minutes he’s asking his starters to play this early in the season against so-so teams is a recipe for burnout come playoff time (at best) or career-ending wear and tear (at worst). In a league that is discovering that limited playing time leads to better efficiency and longer careers, Thibs is a dinosaur that just doesn’t belong. [Joshua Covell]

Favorite Head Case: Michael Beasley

Be-Easy thinks we can only access 10% of our brains, which I suppose explains some of the decision-making he’s displayed in the past. Kyrie Irving gets a lot of shit for being fake-deep, but Beas has truly crossed over into the final frontier. Still, he seems like a nice dude and he’s a joy to watch on the court. He can sauce up whichever slow-footed, overmatched power forward he chooses to get buckets against. Knicks fans love their cult heroes, and I hope we keep him around for awhile. [Chris Harrison]

Favorite Rookie: Donovan Mitchell

Every year there’s a rookie who, within about a month after the regular season begins, makes everyone go, “How the hell did he drop that far in the draft?” Two years ago it was Devin Booker. Last year it was Malcolm Brogdon. This year it’s Utah’s Donovan Mitchell. With Gordon Hayward out of the picture, Mitchell’s picked up most of the offensive burden that had been vacated for the Jazz, putting up a 18/3/3 statline with the kind of fearlessness on the NBA stage that reminds me of Damian Lillard’s rookie season. [Matt P]

Favorite Train Wreck: Markelle Fultz

I take a special sort of pleasure in the complete meltdown of number one pick Markelle Fultz. Danny Ainge, Celtics GM, saw something in Fultz that no one else saw, and he subsequently traded the pick to the Sixers for their number three pick, which he used to select Jayson Tatum, who just a third of the way into the season already looks like a veteran all-star. Meanwhile, Fultz, before playing a single regular season NBA game, changed his shooting motion (an unheard of thing to do for a solid shooter) without the guidance of his trainers and coaching staff (even more unheard of). It’s unclear whether it was a shoulder injury that caused Fultz to change his mechanics or a crippling case of the yips, but Fultz has been taken out of the lineup and has yet to return. Honestly, it’s a rookie train wreck that I can’t look away from. [Joshua Covell]

Most Jaw-Dropping Physical Gift: LeBron’s Strength

Much has already been made of LeBron’s ability to brush off contact on drives to the rim as if he were starring in an episode of Pros vs. Joes, but his strength allows him to do so much more than that. It’s the reason he can throw pinpoint bounce passes from all the way across the court, allowing him to show off his incredible court vision. It’s also the reason he can shoot half court shots like regular-ass jumpers, which is still insane to me. [Chris Harrison]

Weirdest Avoidance: Talking about the Golden State Warriors

When a team is dominant and formidable, the conversation all year is about that dominance. It may be rote to say now, but the Golden State Warriors seem to have broken the NBA and NBA talk. Personally, I was drawn into the sport again during Steph Curry’s supernova of three-pointers a few years ago. Magic was happening and it felt vital to watch. Then, as we know, Durant came and changed everything. Still, the Warriors now seem to operate in this shadow game against a league of no one. Whether it’s blogs or ESPN talk shows, nobody really talks about the Warriors other than as the inevitable Finals competitor. Nothing they do seems to register with what NBA fans are watching. It’s notable that nothing on the rest of this list refers to them, despite impressive stat lines and production from the superteam. That’s to be expected, sure, but it’s no less weird. The Warriors operate in their own world and the rest of the league and fandom seems to resent it and pretend it doesn’t exist. For now it seems like everything matters except the Finals, and that’s a weird thing for a new fan. [Eddie Losoya]

Biggest Disappointment: Oklahoma City Thunder Let’s be honest with ourselves: we should’ve seen this coming. Over the offseason, the Thunder decided it was a good idea to add two ball-dominant, high usage stars in Paul George and Carmelo Anthony to the most ball-dominant, high-usage star of all time in Russell Westbrook. The result? Of the 34 NBA players who average at least 15 field goal attempts per game this season, George, Anthony, and Westbrook rank 32nd, 33rd, and 34th in field goal percentage, respectively, and while we’re still early in the season, the Thunder are flirting with missing the playoffs. To add insult to injury, Victor Oladipo, who was traded to Indiana for George, has been an absolute revelation and perhaps the current favorite for the Most Improved Player award, and Enes Kanter and Doug McDermott, who were traded to the Knicks for Anthony, have been significant contributors to a surprisingly stingy Knicks team. [Matt P]

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